I want to be a TV personality!

There is a group of people in the Twin Cities that I find fascinating, and that's because the fact I know who they are defies all logic.

In the Twin Cities we have this odd channel called Metro Cable Network Channel 6, or something like that. They like MCN6, so I'll go with that.

I'm far from an expert on the channel, and its history, but why let that stop me from telling a good story. The station is part of cable networks across the Twin Cities, allegedly in seven counties, and conveniently it shows up on channel 6 in each cable system. Unlike the public access channels on your local cable system, this is not public access, exactly. Perhaps they do provide free access to groups and organizations, but as I understood it many years ago, the producers of the show pay to have it broadcast on Ch. 6.

Some of the stuff they air doesn't seem to be the type of programming that anybody would pay to have televised, (I'm thinking of certain religious programs I have run across), but some of it is clearly commercial.

And that's where three Twin Cities media darlings have found their niche, and managed to capture my attention.

Capture is a bit strong, but let's meet them.

Mike Woodley is a longtime lurker on the Ch. 6 airwaves. He has hosted a variety of shows. The one I remember most distinctly dates back more than 10 years. Along with a guy whose claim to fame was being a scab member of Toto (his career with Toto lasted about a year, and it was after Toto had its big hits in the 1980s) and a guy whose goofiness deserves an entire novel, Woodley and company tried to produce a monthly show about the local music scene. The scab from Toto, who died a few years ago, lived in the west metro, evidently, along with the goofball who has long wanted to make a living as a singer-songwriter. The three of them produced segments about the area's music scene, and did it for at least a few months. I remember the goofball stopped appearing in the show not long after the premiere episode. Whether this ran three months or 33, I can't tell you.

Woodley has been a regular on Ch. 6 seemingly ever since, although there was about a five-year period where I wasn't connected to a cable system, so I can't vouch for his entire career.

I haven't seen much of him in recent months, but in the past few years he's been as busy as ever, hosting some lame show about local businesses and organizations, and calling his show something like the "Here and There Show." It seems like every time I run across him on Ch. 6 he's interviewing the folks at Chanhassen Dinner Theatres, talking about how incredible their productions are. I'm pretty sure the folks at CDT actually invented the concepts of both the restaurant and live theater. How they had the foresight to put them together into one business is mind boggling.

Woodley use to work in legitimate broadcasting, allegedly, and may still, primarily in the sports arena. I've never heard or seen him on a commercial network, but perhaps it's true.

Another staple of Ch. 6 is the lovely Carla Beaurline.

Every month Beaurline produces a 30-minute program about businesses in the Twin Cities. No car dealership or vacuum cleaner retailer is too petty for Beaurline to glorify during "Around Town." Her intro segments are often at the site of some local event or fabulous vacation destination. And sometimes she has a co-host to banter with during these segments. She seems particularly fond of pandering to the Minnesota State Fair.

While she doesn't have a regular co-host, she use to. A dude named Mark DeJoy use to host the show with her. When I first noticed this sexy Ch. 6 minx many years ago she had DeJoy as her sidekick. The banter between these two was horrendous. The transitions were forced and the topics were often idiotic. It was brutal. Years later I rediscovered Beaurline and she was flying solo. I have no idea why.

I did learn, thanks to Google, that DeJoy died at the ripe young age of 49 last year. He was working in some other form of local broadcasting, it appears, and according to the obituary he managed to work in community broadcasting (I presume) for three decades.

Beaurline has never impressed me with her broadcasting skills, but month after month she seems to have a handful of businesses who want her to talk about them. Her charm must be irresistible. I'm sure she could charm the pants off of me.

I'm pretty sure I passed her on the freeway once. I passed something that looked like a mini van, with a license plate that said something like "ARNDTWN." And a blonde angel was driving it.

If you've ever seen her show more than once, you'll remember the painful theme song "Everybody Goes There" by local act Dazy Head Mazy. It's bad.

As smitten as I am with Carla Jean, (which DeJoy liked to call her on the show), you can't help but be seduced by the queen of Twin Cities shilling: Tawnja.

Formerly known as Tawnja Zahradka, Tawnja Peterson has been hawking local businesses for two decades. She's been busy celebrating her anniversary as of late on Ch. 6.

Tawnja, (pronouced Tanya, because she's just that precocious,) is one hell of a success story. She has been telling us about great places to shop, eat, fix our teeth and receive financial advice since 1995. Sometimes using recycled bits from many years ago, Tawnja slaps together 30 minutes of commercials and presents it as some sort of TV show. I think she use to have a name for her show, but now she simply wants her air time to be known as Tawnja TV, more or less.

Not only has she been a fixture on Ch. 6 for two decades, she has managed to weasel her show onto the broadcast airwaves in the past. I know she's had her show broadcast on at least one independent station, and I think she's managed to accomplish that feat on more than one frequency.

Unlike Beaurline, whose voice can be a bit grating, Tawnja has a sultry delivery, and she's not afraid to sex it up. The still image of her, knees slightly bent and hemline pulled up above those knees, never fails to amuse me.

I saw her live, in the flesh, a few years ago. Somehow she was recruited to help emcee a community event. I guess Jason DeRusha wasn't available that night. Lord knows he wouldn't turn down an invitation. I just hope they bought Tawnja a glass of wine, and pronounced her name correctly.

So what does this fascinating trio have in common? They all produce TV shows that exist purely for promoting local businesses. They produce 30-minutes programs that are nothing more than a bunch of commercials.

Each huckster has a different way of presenting it, but at the end of the day it's nothing more than programs comprised of long commercials. These shows aren't news magazines. The programs aren't in search of unique businesses that are quirky or interesting. There's nothing fascinating about a 40-year-old vacuum retailer, and if you held a fire up to her skinny little ass I'm sure Beaurline would admit that.

There's no doubt these shows exist because the advertisers pay for Woodley, Beaurline and Zahradka/Peterson to gab about them, and the shills must make a buck or two, otherwise they wouldn't be tirelessly hawking them year after year.

It's really quite impressive. Tawnja seems to think her show is a "television magazine," but a magazine has content that isn't paid for. But nice spin.

I'm dumbfounded by the fact these shows exist. Ch. 6 loves to promote how many homes it reaches across the metro, but the viewership can't be that high, although I'm guessing I'm not the only person who gawks at these shows periodically and scratches her/his head. Somehow Woodley, Beaurline and Zahradka/Peterson have convinced numerous businesses to buy what they're selling, and it has kept their smiling faces on the local airwaves for years. Color me impressed.